


Dave and John are Oh So Incredibly Gay

by Hiddenhikari



Category: John Dies at the End - David Wong
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-22
Updated: 2013-06-22
Packaged: 2017-12-15 19:09:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/853029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiddenhikari/pseuds/Hiddenhikari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just as the title says. John and Dave are gay. Together! Takes place a year after the first book ends, Dave and Amy are still engaged and John's got a massive crush on Dave. He's planning to kill himself after he tells him.</p><p>I wrote this before "This Book is Full of Spiders! Seriously, Dude Don't Touch It" was even announced on being written so yeah, it has nothing to do with that at all!</p><p>*old story*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

-John's Diary Entry-

Dear Diary-Thing,

It's been a year since me and Dave and got out of all that shit with Korrok and Shit Narnia. Man that stuff was fucked up. Anyway, Dave is supposedly engaged to Amy now. I don't know if I'm buying that though. I mean, she's cute, yeah, but Dave doesn't seem all that into her. And I should know.  _I'm_  his best friend. Not her.

I've never had a diary before…never really been my 'thing', you know. Not much of a writer or a story teller. But if I ever did write a book it would be kick-ass awesome.

So, I guess since this is a diary, I'm supposed to state my deepest thoughts here, right? Why am I asking a question, you're a freakin' book, you can't answer me…or, well…actually you probably could if one of those flyin' wig monster things shit on you.

Note to self: Don't let the wig monsters shit on anything.

I got a DUI and can't drive now, then, with the amazing luck I have, some cop moved in next door. Watches me like a fuckin' hawk anytime I go outside. I can't even have a smoke out side without him there, just…staring. Then when I'm drunk, I'm basically confined to room since he always finds out, somehow, I think he stalks me, and forces me inside my room then he just sits on my couch and watches my TV and drinks all my non-alcoholic drinks. Not that I care about those, I just keep them so I don't look like a fuckin' drunk.

I guess…I've been thinking a lot lately. Haven't really got out of the house much either. Kinda just been stuck doin' nothing. I could go to Dave's, but I can't  _stand_ to see that stupid nubby-handed chick all over him. She should've stuck with the fuckin' lesbos.

That stupid Amy ruined everything. If she had just stayed in Utah like we'd planned, the world would be perfect…kind of…right now. I would be sitting on Dave's couch playing video games while he keeps trying to convince me that I should drink some water for once. Then maybe he'd sit next to me…then…oh, goddamnit I am not gay!

I gotta stop thinking like this. Every fuckin' time I think about Dave, it always turns into something fucked up and gay!

I don't  _like_ -like my best friend. He's my friend and that's all. That's it. Period.

Shit. I need to stop lying to myself. Why would I think about him like this if I didn't like him? I've had a thousands girlfriends and I could have sex with any of them at any given time. But no. I sit on my couch and masturbate to the thoughts of Dave.

FUCKIN' DAVID WONG TURNS ME ON! OKAY! OKAY! What more do I have to say…I'm fuckin' bi-sexual for my best friend. And he'd probably slap me or punch and kick me out of his house if he knew. He'd probably kick me out of his life.

Then I'd have to kick my self out of my own life.

I'm gonna tell him sooner or later. I will. I swear to myself I will. That's what the rope hanging in my living room is for. I know he'll hate me after I tell him. Then I'll have nothing to live for. But he's got a good life ahead of him. He'll get a lot of money if Arnie publishes his story in the paper. Then he's got that fuckin' no-handed bitch Amy.

May they have a good life together, the bastards.

-John

-Dave's POV-

I sat on my couch and stared at the clock on my wall. Amy should be getting out of classes soon.

Three solid hard knocks on my door, not that of Amy, but of—

"Hey, Dave what's up!" John said as he barged through my house like he used to before he just stopped coming to my house.

I don't know why he just left. He was over here every day…then…nothing. Never saw him again. He called every now and then when he was freakishly drunk, kept saying he had something really important to tell me but he knew I'd hate him for it. I just hung up on him, he never knew what he was saying when he drunk, so why listen to him ramble on?

John walked out of my kitchen with one of  _my_  beers open and in his hand. He saw me staring at him and asked, "You want me to get you one?"

I shook my head, "What do you want, John?"

"I can't just come over and see my best friend without a reason?"

"No. Not when you don't come over for months. And when you call your drunk as fuck." I looked him deep in the eyes and I knew he was planning something. Something that actually almost brought me to tears. "I-I wanna talk to  _you_ , John. Not whoever you become when you're drunk. I want to talk to you…and you'll understand. You gotta lay off the beers sometimes. There are like a thousand drinks in the world and you drink only one. You're gonna get some kinda disease from it you know."

John shrugged and walked to my door. He opened it and started to leave, turned around and stared me down, "It doesn't matter. I got a rope hangin' in my livin' room for a reason. I was gonna come over here and tell you one of the most important things my mind has ever realized to be completely true about myself, but if your just gonna be like that, I'll kill myself with out a reason for it." He left and closed the door.

"What the fuck!" I said out loud before following after him, "What the hell was that!" I yelled after him. I didn't see his car, obviously, so he must've walked here.

"I don't know, man, you tell me." He kept walking along the sidewalk in front of my house, heading back toward his place.

I ran quickly down the steps on my front porch and followed after him, "I said, what the hell was that? Kill your self, what are you on?"

"I'm not on anything."

"Sure, and I'm the most attractive guy ever born."

"You are."

"Thanks but—" I took a double take, thinking about what he had said again, "What?"

"I said you are. You are the most attractive guy ever born. That's all there is to it."

"John…stop fucking around."

"I'm not 'fucking around'." Then John did something I never thought he'd do in a billion years, even on the Soy Sauce, even drunk out of his mind, even if someone waved a hundred dollar bill in his face. John kissed me.

My eyes opened wide and I felt his right arm wrap around my lower back as he held me close.

John pulled away and I blinked up at him, shocked and speechless.

"And that's why I'm going to kill my self now. See you in…where ever people like us go when we die." John took his arm off me and started to walk away again.

I just stood there. Still speechless. Still didn't have a single fucking word to say after my best friend just kissed me and tells me he's going to kill himself now.

"W-wait!" I heard myself say and felt my feet carry me forward to chase after him. He stopped walking and turned around. "Don't…don't kill yourself. Why would you do such a stupid thing?"

He didn't say anything. He just stared at me right in the eyes.

"I mean…so what. You like me. What's the big—"

"I love you. There's a difference." John corrected me. This line made my face start to turn red all over. I bit my lip and decided that this is the moment I should decide whether I like him back or not. My answer: I don't know.

"Okay…so…you're…in love with me. So? Uh…that doesn't mean we can't be friends right?"

"HEY GUYS! WHATCHA DOING!" I turned to see Amy waving at us from in front of my house. I hadn't even heard her get here…how did she get here? Did she walk? Oh well…she was here now, so it didn't matter.

"See ya, guys…" John said drearily as he turned back around and started back to his house again.

Amy ran up to me and asked, "What's wrong with John? Didn't get 'it' last night, did he?" She asked in a giggly voice.

"Hey…uh…I'll talk to you later, Amy…just go wait inside, okay? Me and John got stuff to worry about…uh…important stuff…you know…flying stuff…with…bird talons…um…terrorizing the local…um…day care center! I've gotta go save the babies of [Undisclosed]! Children are dying as we speak!" I turned and ran after John.

When I caught up, he didn't turn around, "Flying things with bird talons at the day care center, huh? I didn't even think this damned town had a day care center."

"…probably doesn't…"

"Why'd you follow after me?"

"Because you're my friend and I don't want you to kill your self. And if you do, I at least want to be the last person you talk to before you die."

"Shut up. Don't say things that make me think you actually care about me."

"But…I  _do_  care about you, John!" I practically yelled at him.

He turned his head slightly and looked at me, "Thanks, but I don't mean as a friend."

"I-I know…and…n-neither do I."

Apparently, I had made up my mind. Do I like John? Answer: Yes.

"Sure." John said, barely audible as he pulled his lighter from his pocket along with a cigarette and started to light it.

I reached up and grabbed the cigarette, burning my hand as I did this and threw it down on the ground, "Aw, fuck it, John. Stop being so hard on yourself. You sound like me. Now…just…kiss me." I leaned closer to him, but he did nothing. "I said, now kiss me." I closed my eyes and waited. Nothing. "I want you to fuckin' kiss me, John!" I said, actually pouting some.

No one knows how much of a girl John makes you feel like. And if someone told him that, he'd never shut up about himself again for the rest of eternity.

"Why?" John asked, looking down at me, "Why should I kiss you?"

"Because…because I love you too…?" I asked him with a questioning look on my face.

"Really?" John asked, he made it sound like he thought I was lying to him.

I nodded, "…really…"

Finally John leaned closer and kissed me. I was thinking it would just be a short, quick pop kiss like the first one. I was wrong. I could feel John's tongue start to lick my lips, asking for entrance. I did nothing. Then his teeth started to squeeze my lip and bite down on it hard. I opened my mouth to tell him to stop but he was already in. His tongue explored my mouth in ways I had never even thought of with Amy. But right now, Amy was the last thing on my mind.

John pulled away, "I shouldn't be kissing an engaged man." He said, as if it was totally normal, like we were talking about the weather or sports.

"Shut up…what Amy doesn't know won't hurt her!" I said as I pushed my lips back to his.

"But what Amy does know might hurt you quite a bit, you BASTARD!" Amy almost screeched as she grabbed the back of my shirt collar and pulled me away from John.

"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING! TURNING ALL BI-SEXUAL ON ME!" She screamed at me as I lay on the side walk.

"Amy! Calm the fuck down!" John said, stepping between us.

I leaned up on my elbow and stared up at Amy and John.

Amy looked down at me, "So, I guess you were lying when you said you wanted to get engaged, huh?" Tears were coming to her eyes now, I felt like just breaking down and going to John's house and using that rope he said was hanging in his living room.

"Well…seems like you've got a choice here, David…Amy…or me." John said, smiling down at me as if he knew what my answer would be.

I did actually think about this for a long time. A very, very, very long time. Really, those two and half minutes were the longs minutes of my life.

"Amy…" I said, and I really thought John would pass out for a moment, "I'm sorry…but…I guess…I'm breaking up with you…"

The next thing I knew, John had me in his arms bridal style.

"SEE YA LATER, BI-OTCH!" John said as he carried me away.

I looked around awkwardly in his arms, what had I gotten my self into? Now I was with John and who knew what Amy would do now.

I know what I promised Jim…but…I deserve to live my own life, too, right?


	2. Ch 2

-Dave's POV-

I looked at John from where he held me in his arms. "Uh…where are we going?"

"Back to my house."

"Apartment. You live in an apartment, John."

"Whatever."

"And…what will we do at your place…?" I asked, blushing.

"Well, obviously, I'm gonna fuck you."

"Oh."

John pressed his lips to mine as he continued to walk. "If you don't want to, we don't have to. But I'll have to jack off on the couch. Right next to you."

I said nothing.

"But I hope you let me. After all, it's not often I don't get what I want, Dave." John kissed me again. I blushed as I felt his tongue start to invade my mouth. As our tongues fought for dominance inside my mouth, I eventually gave up. He pulled away, a small line of spit still connecting our mouths, "And right now, I want you."

I took in a deep breath as I felt my whole face go red. I turned my head and I could see the apartment complex coming into view. He carried me through the door and practically  _threw_  me on the couch. He climbed on top of me and kissed me again. I looked up at him, and he gave me one of those 'I'll give you whatever you want' looks. I blushed and said, "I-I'm not gonna just be that easy…"

"Shut up, Dave." John pushed me down further into the couch, "It's a yes or no. To fuck or not to fuck, that is the question."

I closed my eyes for a moment to just consider the idiocy of the man I was now with, "Well…I guess we could fu—"

John's kitchen exploded.

"HOLY FUCK!" John yelled as he fell off me. One of Molly's legs whizzed by my head and stuck to my T.V. screen. (I don't know how she had got in John's house, but she was pretty good at stuff like that…) I saw parts of a microwave scatter across the floor. "What…the…hell…!" John said to himself as he walked into the used-to-be-kitchen which was by now just a large whole covered in metal and Molly.

"Dave. Molly died again."

"Shit…"

We started digging through what was still in the kitchen. Neither of us had any clue at all as to what had happened. It was only the ground that had exploded. The walls were fine, other than dog blood and some chucks of metal sticking through the wood here and there. John lived on the bottom floor, so there wasn't anything below him. His kitchen, yes only his kitchen, had spontaneously exploded.

It had been a year since either of us had used the sauce, (I had kept the bottle so John couldn't get any) but it seemed that now we would need some.

"Dave…where's the soy sauce?" John asked, starting to get on the same page.

"Way ahead of you." I said as I pulled the empty bottle out of my pocket.

I had started carrying it around as of last month when I had thought I saw one of the shadow men, then I thought I saw one of those baby-handed scorpion-tailed things crawl out of my bathroom and under my couch. When I looked under it, there was nothing.

I opened the cold bottle and saw two black pills, I poored them into my hand. John plucked one from my palm and put it in his mouth. I also swallowed mine and immediately knew there were exactly four hundred twenty-seven red ants under my bathroom sink at that very second. I knew Molly had snuck in John's back door a few nights ago and John had never noticed because he was too drunk. I knew that John had been in love with me for exactly seven years, four mouths, and two and a half days. I knew I had been in the closet since birth.

John was getting similar readings, "Dave. Where are your golf clubs?"

"On top of your closet."

John disappeared into his room and came back with a huge golf club. He stepped carefully through the destroyed kitchen and went through the back door. He came back with the left half of a dead snake. "We'll need this."

"I'm sure we will…uh…" I looked out the window. Exactly 10:47. "It's late John…how about…we figure all this out tomorrow…uh…sound okay?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." John started walking closer to me until he had me cornered against a wall. "I still never got to fuck you…" He said, waving the dead snake in my face stupidly.

-John's Diary Entry-

Hola Senior Diary-Thing,

So…uh, I'm starting to get a little more used to this now. Just writing about my day and shit, huh?

Well, I told Dave everything. And guess what? I'm still alive! So he didn't say no…it was a little awkward though. Although the most awkward part was when I was  _this close_ (Insert picture of how close I was) to fucking Dave. THAT CLOSE! And then some fucker exploded my kitchen. I mean, what the shit? I don't go around blowing up things when people are trying to fuck! It's just not right!

It's not like I never got to though. We decided to figure out what happened later and we just went back to the couch and I finally got to do him.

I told him my penis was majestic…but he didn't believe me. Now he has to. Now that it's been shoved up his ass, he will never forget THE GLORY OF MY GIANT PENIS OF AMAZINGNESS!

God, it was amazing. I thought girls were good…but seriously…that guy…just wow. I never knew he could be so sexy! Always complaining about being fat and ugly…that 'fat' is all muscle and his dick is maybe in third if mine is first (which it is). And the ugly thing is just an outright lie. For a guy he's really…beautiful (first time I've ever used that word to describe someone). He's really cute too…when his face gets all red and he starts to stutter. When he calls my name and tells me to go faster or harder. I've fucked a billion girls, but it felt like a whole knew experience with Dave.

Anyway…I guess I'm done with this now…

-John the Cheese

-Dave's POV-

I laid, curled up, on the couch, John snoring loudly into my ear, my ass sore as fuck. I opened my eyes and saw that the television was on. Yawning, I stood up and walked closer to it, wanting to rid the room of any sounds other than me and John's breathing. When I was almost there, the channel flashed red and white, then one of those 'breaking news' things flashed across the screen. It was a woman in a desk with entirely too much makeup, too much hairspray, too much boobs, and not nearly enough clothing.

I snorted thinking about how John would be all over the screen if he were awake. Or would he?

What would happen between him and his girlfriends now? He should know that if he just cheats on them with me, I'll be the first to leave him. Not that I would ever want to…

After all, John is, and always had been, my best friend. I only want what's best for him. And if that means leaving him… then I will. Although I'd have more fun to get rid of those slutty girls he's always with.

Despite it seeming to be important, I turned the power button off and sat back on the couch. I glanced toward the blown up kitchen and saw Molly licking a wall. Did that dog ever die? I guess us Korrok-monsters are basically immortal. That seems pretty cool, until he activates us one day.

I lay down on my side, facing John. I tucked my head in between where his arm folded over his chest. I sighed and closed my eyes until I heard a voice in the room. I turned my head to see the TV back on, the woman explaining away about some shit or another.

"Die…, bitch…" I heard John mumbled as he picked up a shoe lying next to the couch and lazily threw it at the TV. It bounced off and landed in bowl of half eaten nacho cheese. He had successfully hit the power button though. The screen black again. "That's what I thou-" It was back on in a second.

"Who set this thing up anyway?" I asked as I turned rolled off the couch again and crawled to the TV. I turned it off, again. I sat there and waited and sure enough it flicked back on. I stared at it in anger for a second before it went black again. I looked over to see John holding the power cord. He smirked like he thought he was just  _so_  smart. It turned back on without a problem.


	3. Ch 3

-John's POV-

I stared at the TV. I stared at the cute look on Dave's face. I stared back at the TV. I stared at the woman's boobs. Not because I was getting turned on by their large, bouncy apearence, but because something just seemed off about them. They were too...perfect. They were both exactly the same size.

And when you've been with as many girls as I have, you know that one is always bigger.

The longer I stared at the lady on the tv that just wouldn't turn off, I realized what was weird about her. She wasn't real. She was one of those CGI, fake human, 'uncany valley' kind of things.

I picked up the remote and changed the channel, sure enough it immidately flicked back to the fake woman. She was talking about a flood in some state so far away it wouldn't even affect us.

Dave began to rapidly press all the buttons he could manage (which is a rather good idea when you don't know what the fuck you're doing) but the woman was just so persistent. "What in the...?" Dave mumbled as he stood up and backed away from the tv. He looked petrified. He kept walking backwards, bumping into me but still keeping his eyes trained on the tv.

I grabbed his shoulders and turned him to look at me, "Dave...?"

He fell to the ground, unconcious. I dropped to my knees and checked his pulse and made sure he was breathing. I wasn't sure what was going on, but this TV and this woman were definitely the reason for it. I sat right in front of the tv and I put my hand on the screen. I felt a burst of static electricity much stronger than usual and I closed my eyes. When I opened them again the tv was rippling.

It looked like some one had projected the face of the woman onto a lake and then tossed a large rock into the middle of her forehead. When I looked closer, I saw that the screen itself was litterally rippling. I laid my hand on the screen and it burned, hot as fire, but with a strange cooling sensation deep inside. I put my hand against her forehead where the ripples began and felt my hand push into the tv. I yanked it out and I knew exactly what I had to do.

I went to the kitchen and lifted up one of the tiles that had exploded from my floor and found the soy sauce canister. Even though we had taken the only two pills the other day, I opened it to find three new ones. I took one and stuck the rest in my pocket and went back to the living room to pick up Dave. Molly ran up and started to lick the screen. I kicked her butt a little and forced her through the TV. I heard her barking and knew she didn't die when she went through. I poped one of the pills into my mouth and jumped through with Dave in my arms.

Once through, I found us in a large ripling room, covered with the faces of people who looked strangely familiar, but not at the same time. The sauce told me that they were the faces of those who had been 'erased' from past, present, and future. That thought brought a single name to my head: Todd Brinkmayer.

I turned around and the wall behind me showed the face of a man who looked to be a few years younger than me and Dave. He wore glasses and a nerdy looking sweater vest. I watched the rippling wall as I looked around to realize I couldn't find Molly. I whistled and she burst from another wall. She barked and then began to lick my leg. I laid Dave against a wall and told Molly to stay with him. She laid down and began to lick the floor. I tucked one pill into his hand before I approached the wall of the boy who looked so familiar to me. I stepped through the wall and suddenly everything made sense.

-Todd's POV-

It had been what felt like centuries since I'd seen John or Dave. And to see John come through my TV was an amazing site...litterally, I have a small TV.

My TV had been ripling and refusing to turn off ever since I found that lighter.

A couple years ago John, Dave, and I plus a few friends were traveling to Las Vegas to do what we do best: skrew shit up. But while fighting the mosters I got pulled into nonexistance. I woke up trapped in an alternate universe. I couldn't remember anything from my past. All I knew is that  _I didn't belong here._  I wandered the blackness searching for a way out until one day I found a door.

Alone in this large room of darkness was a solid white door. On the other side I found another world that was seemingly destroyed. All the beings there were dead in what looked to be a very gruesom massacre by worms or some shit. I didn't think too much about it.

While wandering the world, I found a cigarette lighter. It was covered in blood and there was a picture of a penis drawn on the side of it with a sharpie. I snickered at the picture and decided it was worth keeping. I decided to stay the night there since it had been some time since I'd been somewhere with actual civilization.

I found a small house, removed all the naked dead people, and curled up in the stranger's bed for the night. It had been such a long time since I'd had a good nights sleep and just as I was about to enjoy it, something slammed against the door. I looked up and saw the lighter that I had found earlier laying near the door.

Well...it was laying there until it floated off the ground, slammed against the door, then dropped back. It repeated this action over and over until I picked it up. It felt like it had been in a fire and while holding it, I felt like it  _needed_  to be outside of this door.

I dropped it on the ground and went back to my bed. I would deal with the possesed lighter later.

The next morning, I found it had busted through the door and was sitting in the middle of the next room over. I tucked it in my pocket and left the house to go check out the rest of this world.

I took the lighter out of my pocket and found it held a magnetic pull. I decided to follow it which is when it eventually led me to this world. Once I entered it, I felt like  _this is where I belonged._  Memories flooded my mind and suddenly I knew that somewhere there were two men who I needed to find.

John Cheese and David Wong.

I couldn't remember how to get back to where they lived and I couldn't even remember my name anymore. But at the sight of John emurging from my TV, the rest of my memories were back too!

I ran to the man who was very confused as he hung half in, half out of my TV screen and I wrapped my arms around him, "John!" I felt like I was going to start crying from happiness.

Things were finally going to go back to normal now.

-John's POV-

Who in the fuck is this dork who's cuddling me and making googly eyes at my dick?

-Dave's POV-

I opened my eyes after having a weird dream about who knows what to find myself surrounded by faces with Molly licking my crotch. Was this one of those dreams where you wake up in the dream just to still be dreaming?

Oh well.

I stood up and looked around me. The people on the TV reminded me of the lady who had been on John's TV earlier. I looked closely at each one before I noticed one of them change. It went from some guy to two guys, and one of them was John. I stared at it, confused. What the hell was John doing in that giant TV wall thing?

I walked closer to it but the closer I got the more realistic it looked. Molly took a running leap at the wall and I snickered, expecting her to bounce off like the idiot she was, but instead she went right through the wall. Then she appeared in the picture next to John and whats-his-name.

I looked behind me to see if I was being punked, but I knew this was just [Undisclosed] being [Undisclosed].

I balled up my fist and felt something pop. I opened my hand to see I had crushed a sauce tablet. I licked it up and walked through the wall.

-John's Diary Entry-

Sup,

So...today was intense.

I went through a TV, my kitchen is still exploaded, I found an old friend who was supposed to be dead or erased from existance or whatever, but the best thing was I got my awesome lighter back.

Ya know, the one with the awesome penis picture on the side? Can I say FUCK YEAH!?

Well, we all made it home safely (after wandering the stupid TV universe for like three goddamned hours) and now I think I'm gonna go fuck Dave and make Todd watch. If anything else interesting happens, I'll let ya know.

-Q

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last I have of it until I get some more ideas for it. If I write the smut scene, I'll upload it as a totally separate story.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still planning to continue this if I get any ideas and I still I'm going to write the smut scene but holy shit I'm not the only one, according to this site, who ships John/Dave (in Jdate, that pairing abounds in HS) but fuck yeah I feel like I have found my people!


End file.
